Whether it's for his birthday, which I complete forgot to even call last year (good daughter, huh?), Christmas, which at least brings with it some seasonal gift options, or the worst one, Father's Day, it's always something I begin as an epic adventure and end by realizing disappointment for myself and my poor father. 
I generally don't have any idea what to get a guy who is not a good consumer to begin with (my dad has been known to wear dress socks until so many toes are sticking out a bum wouldn't even wear them) and has enough money to get basically anything he wants. Or, at least he can buy anything that I could ge
t him, which isn't saying much.
The problem is, I've picked the low-hanging fruit. I've already given ties with cartoon characters on them, books, and the easy standby bailout gift: Anything with his favorite sports teams' logos on it, from embroidered checkbook covers to flasks with a set matching shot glasses (He doesn't even really drink, by the way). Alas, most of these items were either thankfully disposed of years ago or are collecting dusts as relics from a different age down in his home office, which has shelves upon shelves packed with sports memorabilia shit.
I've also done all the sentimental gifts, which are always good for getting better mileage with less cash. I've given framed photos of daddy and his little girl, picture collages, poems, and even spent a month carefully crafting a scrapbook for him chronicling me and my brother's lives in pictures from birth. It was the first and last I'll ever do. Spending hours hunched over a book covered in glue trying to get little handprints to stick to a page is not my idea of fun. A year ago for Christmas, it was the picture above in a frame. A picture he dislikes, by the way.
So this year, I planned a get-together with us kids, and we're taking him to a Rockies game. I thought I had it in the bag. I bought tickets for everyone, worked with my brother to arrange a post-game bbq at his house - I was on top of it. Until my brother asked, "So, any ideas on what to get dad?"
Uhhh ... "This is what I'm getting dad?"Apparently, I overestimated that my presence was present enough.
So, I'm back to square one ... he's going to Paris, a beret as a joke? A book on French? (So many people have had so much success learning languages this way) A ... money belt? (I want to up the dork level a little for his vacation - why not just get a fanny pack?)
Another wine opener for his burgeoning wine-drinking hobby? (Because those are rare and hard to find) A gift certificate for a restaurant? (A nice, impersonal gift for the man who raised you and answered your crying phone calls twice a week during your freshman year in college).
Movies? A CD? (Actually, that was last year's present, as I recall. I thought he was getting more than just a CD by me introducing him to Jack Johnson. Your welcome, dad.)
OK, I'm stumped. So plan B is to go to the mall and see what I find that reeks of "dadness" and I determine he absolutely cannot live without.
Because football season is almost beginning — and who can't use another Broncos car flag with matching license plate frame?
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